Philippians Chapter 3

​“I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14, NIV)

A Prayer for My Daughter

May my daughter place her confidence in You, oh Lord, and not in the fleshly things of this earth. Help her to worship by the spirit of God and glory in Christ Jesus. May she gain Christ and a righteousness that is through God and is by faith. Let her know You and the power of Your resurrection. Give her the strength and perseverance to press on and strain toward the prize for which You have called her heavenward. ...

As a vision-impaired mom of a preschooler, parenting is challenging. Sometimes, it can even make you doubt your own veracity. This week has not been stellar to say the least.

If you graded my performance on “getting my child ready for school in the morning,” then I earned a big, fat “F.” For 3 days in a row, in the morning chaos, I unknowingly sent Little girl to school either with her shirt on backwards, mismatched socks, or a huge knot in her hair. Last night, when my husband commented that Sweet girl had uncharacteristically wanted to comb her own hair, my heart sunk. The last thing I wanted for my little girl was for her to feel self-conscious about her image at such an early age, particularly due to her momma’s perceived shortcomings. I trudged down the stairs, feeling like the worst mom ever. Quick to blame myself, as we parents are often so fast to do, lurks the added complexity of my vision impairment.

When my sight started to deteriorate in my previous profession, knowledge of my disease came forefront and center. I grew accustomed to the light of suspicion which surreptitiously cast derogatory glances my way every time an error or mistake surfaced. I was the first questioned, the first doubted, the first on whom potential blame was pointed simply because of the visual disadvantage I carried. Although none of the discrepancies or mistakes turned out to be mine, I learned perfection on the job was my only shield.

Perhaps it is here that I learned to automatically assign guilt or blame towards my vision impairment whether or not the blindness was the true source of the issue. I am not the first mom to send her child to school in mismatched socks, shirts on backwards, or snarly hair – many other fully sighted moms have walked before me and many more moms will do the same after me.

​Yet, tonight, my heart felt sad. For, regardless if my inadvertent dressing mishaps were a direct result of my blindness or the chaos of rushed morning preparations, my own perceptions shape the lens from which I outwardly and internally respond. This evening, I felt sad because I perceived my vision impairment negatively impacting my daughter. It is one thing if my failing sight impacts my own person, it is quite another to believe it detracting from someone you love. 

​Most of the time, I count my vision impairment as a blessing. I know it must sound contrived, but truly, throughout the whole of my failing eyesight, God has bestowed me with an abounding grace that more than meets my needs. I choose not to dwell on the negatives and focus on the awesome blessings instead. I am not defined by what I cannot see or what I cannot do, simply that my vision impairment serves as one of many characteristics or traits that I possess- like black hair, almond shaped eyes, short stature, petite body frame, and vision impaired. But weeks like this past one, where day after day I missed visual cues that impacted my Sweet girl, I am smacked in the face with the limitations of my failing eyesight. 

​What must her teacher think of me? An inner voice taunted, she must think you’re inept. I sat down at the laptop and tried to ignore the poking whisper of self-degradation. Sweet girl’s going to grow up believing you can’t be trusted to do anything, continued the onslaught, you can’t do anything right as it is, just look at how you sent Little girl to school! I ignored the whirling accusations in my head and focused on what I was writing. The passage of scripture that I was studying, washed like soothing balm over my sadness, self-doubt, and insecurities. My hollow emptiness slowly filled with the light of God’s Word as I allowed God’s Truth to comfort me. Soon, the deprecating voices disappeared and faded into the click-clack of the keyboard. 

But today, as I spent time in the Word and went about my morning activities of making breakfast, getting sweet pea dressed and ready for school, my wounds still oozed with self-consciousness as I checked and double checked little girl’s hair and wardrobe.

After waving goodbye to my ride and enjoying a good workout, on the treadmill, I stepped outside to put my face to the sun and breathed deep the cool, fresh air. As warm sunbeams kissed my cheeks and the gentle breeze ruffled my hair, a soft, still voice whispered to my injured heart:

Perhaps your blindness is exactly what God wants to shape Little girl into the woman of God He wants her to be. Perhaps God will use me as a vision impaired mom to help mold Sweet girl in a special way. Maybe this is exactly as how He meant it to be not just for me, but for her.

Tears brimmed in my eyes and a love so deep filled the expanse of my heart. To think that God cared so much for me, that He would whisper reassurances to my heart and remind me that I am as He created me to be and that He has planned my life and my daughter’s life exactly as it should be. That He makes beautiful the ugly ashes of our lives and transforms them to be precious diamonds. How grateful I am for the love of God that knows no bounds and reaches beyond the farthest depths of our hearts. 

We are far from perfect as parents, yet be encouraged. For God can use our greatest weakness as His greatest strengths if we let Him. No one is perfect; we, parents, make mistakes daily, but with the refining love of God, He washes our sins white as snow. He lets us start over then minute we mess up and extends grace to turn our shortcomings into glorious attributes. All we need to do is surrender our hearts, intentions, motives, fears, and weaknesses to the God of this universe, the One who created each of us and knows us uniquely by name. 

A Prayer for Myself

Oh God, heal inside of me what is hurt and wounded. May Your love, reassurance, and peace wash away my pain and make me whole again. Hear my cry, oh God, for I need You. Help turn all my weaknesses into Your strengths, help me to thrive and to prosper by Your grace and Your love. Hold me close, dear Lord, and meet with me this day.