II Timothy Chapter 1

II Timothy 1:7

Prayer Over Our Children

Fan into flame the gift of Your Spirit and spurn on a deep and sincere faith in my child. Bless my little one with a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. Let her not be ashamed to testify or suffer for You, oh God, being filled with the strength of Your power. Save and call her to a holy life, revealing to her Your purpose and grace. Surround her with sound teaching steeped in the faith and love of Christ Jesus as You guard the good deposit that the Holy Spirit has entrusted within her. 

​Snuggling against me, Sweet one nestled her little body in the crook of my arm and rested her head on my chest. She leaned against my side and added her warmth to my chilled skin. We sat in the front row at church and we had just claimed our seats after a time of worship and praise. Usually Sweet girl immediately busied herself with coloring and stickers, flitting in for a hug or a pat on the arm only to disappear back to her activity. 
     
But, today was different. Rather then her typical lean and speedy departure, Sweet one stayed close and lingered, content to just be present and to soak in some Momma love. With my arm cuddling her near and me savoring each heartbeat, every little girl scent, and this snuggly, intimate moment, the waters of oceans deep and wide poured out, binding us together. Our hearts joined in a most holy and peaceful of communions knit and melded together by the love of the Father. 
     
Oh, how my spirit lifted to thank God for the strong ties which wove our hearts into one. As the pastor preached, I drank in the sweetness of the moment, relishing the soft weight of my little girl’s head and torso through the soft fibers of my scarf and tunic. it is here, in the sweetness of the soul, the light of joy, and the love that binds, where resurrection transformed the ashes of my life into precious diamonds. For a time existed not too far in the distant past where empty hollowness and strained ties weighed me down and prevented sustaining life, breath and joy. 
     
Shortly after I gave birth to Sweet pea, I entered the darkest season of my life, smothered by the weight of chemical imbalances triggered by insomnia, post pardom depression, and the strain of too many new adjustments. Walls closed in on me with panic attacks, making me scream inwardly and race literally and figuratively gasping for air. I didn’t feel real in my own body, requiring the bedroom window to stay open at bedtime despite below 20-degree temperatures. At night, where dreams intermingle with consciousness, the frigid air on my goosebumps skin, was the only way I could ascertain I existed in reality rather than in a dream world. For the first time in my life, I knew true desperation – the desperation that buries, claws, drives, and suffocates. 
     
Adjustments to the new born baby left me reeling in the wake of uncharted waters. I confess, that I wished our new family addition would leave at 5:00 p.m. during weekdays and over weekends so that my husband and I would enjoy much needed quiet and alone time. Plus, factors unique to my vision impaired status as a blind, first time mother, created extenuating circumstances that strained and tested me beyond limits and boundaries I never knew existed. 
     
Highly attuned to sounds, you can imagine the havoc wreaked upon my auditory senses by a constantly crying new born. With my primary interactive sense continuously engaged in hyper drive due to the always listening ear of a first-time mom, my new born never seemed to cease making noises – even when sleeping. With my sole reliance upon auditory cues due to my blindness, my brain became overstimulated which resulted in a bad case of insomnia. Now, I am not referring to the typical “grab when you can” sleep deprivation that we, mothers, often undergo when our baby newly arrives - the type where you sleep when they sleep between feedings and dirty diapers. I mean, insomnia, where you never enter REM sleep and only catch 1 to 2 hours of light sleep a night. 
     
Insomnia tortured me with my inability to fall asleep or stay asleep despite my desperate need and my little girl’s own sound slumber. After 3 months of drifting off to 2 to 3 hours of fnon REM sleep, I turned to sleeping aides, white noise sound machines, essential oils, and reflexology for relief. But, nothing worked, nothing helped, and I began to disintegrate. 
     
I have never felt so broken, so dark, empty, and desperate. A shell of a woman remained where once a vibrant, lively, and life-giving woman had once stood. Times existed when I even believed I would not be present to co-parent with my husband. I felt like a walking zombie, who was just going through the motions on the outside but was dead on the inside. 
     
But, God, in His immeasurable faithfulness and deep compassion, held the shreds of what remained of me together, piecing what was threadbare and worn until He saw fit to heal my body and restore my slumber. Heal my body, God most certainly did. 
     
One Monday in March, for the first time since my daughter had been born, I slept through an entire night without the aid of any additional sleep helps or measures. Just trust me, whispered His tender words to my fragmented heart, put down those sleep aides and let Me get the glory, allow Me to give you rest. Claiming His promise and trapping it in my heart, I chose to believe and was healed. To me, it was miraculous. To God, I will forever be grateful. In my heart, I will never forget God’s act of tender mercy and love.
     
Yet, even with my healing, the battle was not over yet. For although my physical body experienced transformational restoration of sleep, the healing of my chemical and hormonal balance took longer. As the months slipped by and my body slowly returned to normal, God blessed me with the gift of trust that was forged and strengthened through the passing of time. A trust that had been formed in the fire and shaped in careful and slow measures that had been tested but found true. The trust in the process, the trust in the building, the trust that only time can create in glorious and triumphant layers. Trust.
     
It is during this time of adjustment, healing, restoration, and building back up again that my bonding with Sweet pea suffered, long in the waiting and patient in the pain. How I loved my little girl, but my emptiness and swirling anxieties prevented roots from growing beyond the surface and deepening to full blossoms. Outwardly, my words, actions, interactions, and physical displays of affection did not reflect the lack of bonding, but in my heart of hearts, I knew my inward struggle. 
     
Yet, despite the inner dead space, Sweet girl wooed my heart with her giggles, laughter, wide smiles, and bright eyes. She wiggled, bounced, squealed, and reached out with eager hands to bypass my hollow insides to claim my heart. She offered sweet baby kisses, delightful babble, crawling welcomes, and shaky new toddler steps. She even called me, “Mama.”
     
Thirteen months after she was born, God poured light into the void, and I began to fall in love with Sweet pea all over again. As time healed my body, time also healed my mind, brought balance to my emotions, and through the Word of God, gave power over my anxious thoughts. To a woman who believed she would never be the same again, God knit me back together and restored me beyond what I could have ever hoped, to an even stronger, more resilient, and greater vessel to be used in His most holy work of parenting. As a parent, when I thought I could not - He could. When I was unable in my parenting – He was more than able, restoring me, renewing me, and building me up again. 
     
To this day, I stand in awe that we are parents. That we are the parents of this little girl, like she was a part of our family from the very beginning – like she was always there. Everything is so natural with she as our child and us as the parents. It is like there was never a point in time when she didn’t exist. To many of you parents, it may have been a seamless transition into parenting and as natural as breathing to welcome a new addition to the family. But for me, I do not take this closeness of heart nor the instinctive sensation of motherhood for granted. The utter joy, love, and peace I now know as a mother came at a high price and has left indelible marks forever on my soul. But the agonizing flames of fire that consumed and prostrated me low, was worth every second, minute, hour, day, week, and months. 
     
But, just as Sweet one wooed my heart and reached out to me despite my brokenness, so is our Lord and Savior. He, like Sweet pea, is patient in waiting and rich in His love. Unlike my little girl, Jesus’s patience and love is immeasurable perfect, and unconditional. Like a lover, He calls us and waits for us no matter where we are and no matter what we are doing. He showers us with abundant love that is not dependent upon our initial reciprocity but waits patiently for us, like a gentleman without pushing or prodding. Then, when sudden revelation peels back the blinders and we stand in awe of Him in humble, repentance, our lives transform from desert wasteland to new, beautiful, green pastures, rich with life giving, limitless springs of water. For it is through Jesus Christ, that all things are made new. And I, like many of you fellow parents, am in constant need of being made new again. 
     
​If any of you are teetering on the precipice of desperation, I plead with you to cry out to Jesus. He will restore you, make you new again, fill you with fresh life, and restore joy, hope, faith, love, and peace. Come, sit by the quiet, still waters, rest in the lush, green grass, and allow the Shepherd to God to fill you with waters of life. 

A Parent’s Prayer

Lord, I need Your renewing and restoring presence in me today. Make me new again and breathe life into the dead and empty places in my heart. Raise me up again to even greater heights, not for my own glory, but for Your glory, honor, and power. Bless me with the strength, fortitude, energy, and perseverance to remain faithful to this holy work of parenting.